Tips for Healthy Expectations in a Relationship
First off, expectations are different from plans.
We can make plans, but they need to have some breathing room and flexibility built into them.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s to loosen our grip on expectations. When we go shopping now, we no longer anticipate getting what we want because store items are often out of stock. For example, I’ve purchased three different brands of foaming hand soap from Shoprite due to empty shelves of my favorite. Inventory has been an enormous challenge for grocery stores, big-box retailers, and construction suppliers alike.
Your partner may be out of stock in patience or so exhausted that their shelves are also bare. We can’t expect what they do not have to give.
Secondly, change is inevitable; disappointment is avoidable.
How we respond to our partner’s behavior or experiences is up to us!
Reality might bite, but most of the pain and angst comes from reality contrasting a picture-perfect ideal we’ve built up in our minds. Although my preference for Method foaming hand soap was interrupted; I actually liked two of the new brands I bought far better.
Learn to adjust. Build resiliency into your daily fitness plan! Cut your partner some slack and understand that many circumstances can interrupt their best intentions and efforts.
Yet, it’s a bit of a conundrum because it’s also true that we need to have certain expectations (or I prefer the word standards) in a relationship. Every relationship should have mutual respect. Respect is the hinge of every healthy relationship.
John Gottman, Ph.D., echoes my experience in “The Truth About Expectations in Relationships” when he states, “I encourage couples to strive for the ‘good enough’ relationship…. In a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they’re treated. They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal. This does not mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict.”
Go BIG on the important stuff and “good enough” on the small stuff. Convert expectations (a clean drain) to appreciation (gratitude for a clean kitchen). Transform conflict to understanding by seeking to understand rather than assume anything.
When two people are in a relationship together, it’s no longer just about one person’s desires and dreams. The ME needs to unfold into a WE. This loving acceptance doesn’t mean compromising or giving up what we want; we simply get creative at finding win-win solutions. We strive to cultivate experiences and outcomes that fulfill us both.
Learn to manage your relationship expectations and look for opportunities to love your partner while also meeting your needs in the relationship. Despite the frustration of unexpected changes, differing personalities, and contrasting preferences, a romantic relationship is made to be loved and lived! Embracing our human imperfections lets us flow between acceptance and expectations while we still envision the best.
1 comment